The Journey Into Life Coaching: Separation Anxiety...Through the Eyes of a Child

Bonavista Newfoundland

It was a Friday night and all day I was looking forward to getting out with a dear friend. We had alot to talk about, and having an adult conversation with my girlfriend was exactly what we needed.

So early afternoon, I started to set Kevin (My husband) up so he would have an "easy" night with Kayla, I knew he would be tired, so I wanted it to be as effortless as possible. I bathed Kayla, tidy up the house, fed the cat, folded the laundry, Kayla and I cleaned up the toys, and the last thing was to make dinner for Daddy and Kayla. I went into the kitchen, and yelled out to Kayla, what do you want for dinner, she said chicken nuggets and fries, I am thinking great easy peasy, so got that cooking.

Then I said hmmm what can I make for Daddy, and she said what about you Mommy and the first thing I thought was Uh Oh here we go, the words Kayla cannot stand to hear, "I am going out, it's just you and Daddy tonight". Well, you would have thought I just yanked every tooth from her head. For the past several months I am noticing Kayla's anxiety is getting worse, she is at the age where she should be breaking away from feeling so attached to me. She is 4.5 years old and is literally glued to my hip, when I take a shower she sits on the toilet, when I am in the bathroom she sits on the floor at the doorway, when I sit on the couch she sits on me. She has to have me in her view at all times. Some days I am thinking, she is into her colouring, or t.v. show, so I will run downstairs real quick and throw a load of laundry in, but within a mere second, I hear screaming.

If my husband and I are talking or being affectionate, she gets so mad and interrupts, she doesn't want anyone talking to me but her. She has to always be the center of attention. We went to Gage Park in Brampton to take pictures for my son's prom, I was super excited after 4 years I was finally going to get some family pictures. Normally it is my two older children that won't take pictures. This time I thought great, they were in for the pictures, and then Kayla decides wait a minute it isn't about me, and decided to make a scene, I could feel myself starting to boil but I stayed cool, and ignored her actions.

I started telling my husband a few months ago that I think she has separation anxiety, and he never believed me, so one night he was having a hard time putting her down, and I was out for a couple of hours, she screamed and cried for me until I got home. My husband looked at me and said you are right, she does have separation anxiety. There are days that I literally run down the road for 2 seconds to pick up my older kids from their Dad's house, and Kayla flies out the front door and tries to stop the car. I have to put the car in park, walk her back up to the house, and yell out to my husband, he didn't even know she left the house.

The other day I had an important phone call, and I asked my husband can you please keep her busy while I take this phone call, I was maybe 45 mins. I hear her downstairs crying, saying she wanted her Mommy, it was very difficult to continue the conversation. I started in the kitchen, she followed me, I went upstairs she followed me, I stopped the conversation and said Kayla, I need you to go downstairs and play with Daddy, this is an important phone call. Every few mins she would come up, why are you taking so long, hurry up and get off the phone.

I told my husband how it makes me feel, I feel smothered, and drained some days. Surprisingly though I have kept my patience, and understanding. I feel like I am the only parent, not because my husband doesn't do anything, but in her eyes I am her everything, and she expects me to do everything. My husband and I have been correcting her, and when she calls out to me, my husband will answer her back and say Daddy is home now, so you need to ask me. That is his response each time. So it does seem to be helping.

When Kevin started putting her to bed, she tried to push the boundaries for her bed time routine, but we kept vigilant. She has always been a great little girl going down at night, we have rituals, and it makes it so much easier. She has accepted now that Daddy puts her to bed. She runs over to me, kisses me good night, we tap our fingers on the wall and say...."Nighty nighty nighty, don't let the bed bugs bitey, bitey bitey", she gives me 4 kisses, and 4 hugs (Because she is 4 years old lol) and off she goes with Daddy.

Over the years, my husbands family would tell me stories about how Kevin would pull tantrums if a family member wanted to go to church, to the store or wherever. If there were times that Kevin didn't want them to go they didn't go. Then it all started making sense, I said I am guessing Kayla has the same trait from Kevin, he said he was the exact same way. Well one thing I know for sure, when I want to do something, or go somewhere I am going to do it, I won't let Kayla's actions prevent me. It's funny though when I went to India last year for almost 3 weeks, she was fine, hardly missed me lol.

Growing up I was not close to my mother, so this is all new to me, even with my older kids they were self sufficient, even at a young age. So maybe it's because she does not have any younger siblings and during the day I am all she has.

When you are looking for ways to work with the anxiety, I found these tips to be useful;

Set clear boundaries
Keep a schedule
Offer rewards for good behaviour
When you leave, leave quickly
Don't make leaving a big production
Communicate with your kids ahead of time what is going on
Don't go running as soon as your child cries
Try to get other parent/support person to handle "stuff" too
Try not to give in
No scary television
Familiar Surroundings
Consistent Daycare Provider
Structure

We have our work ahead of us, but each day is getting better, being consistent is key. She is such a beautiful little girl who loves life, music and dancing, she finds so much happiness in that. The most important thing is how she feels. My husband and I will continue to work each day to help her through her fears.

How do you cope when your child has separation anxiety?

Thanks for stopping by...

Much Love,

Shelley