It's hard to believe it is August 1st, 2012, and summer is halfway through. I was telling my husband today, this has been the best summer I've had in years. I think with all the good things that are happening in my life, and the ability to follow my dreams has been a blessing and a gift. Since the last couple of months I've been in a really good place, ready to take on a new day everyday.
But....Tonight was different, after everyone went to bed, I found myself sad, emotional, and reflecting on my motherhood. If you've read my previous blogs, you know my relationship with my mother is not healthy. Since Ryan graduated from High School in June, I wanted to have a celebration for a couple of reasons. First to show him how proud we are for graduating, and secondly because he is going off to college. Our friends & Ryan were asking throughout the summer if I was going to celebrate.
For the first couple of weeks this summer, I struggled on what I should do, if I acknowledged him moving away then that makes it too real. To celebrate my son moving out just didn't sit well with me, I would tell myself it's for school, you have to let him spread his wings. I am a Certified Life Coach, I am all about people moving and growing, so why am I struggling with my son leaving. As it is now, he splits his time between my ex-husbands home and my home, so I am used to him not always being here. It's not like he is going across the country, he is only going less then a couple of hrs away.
All these thoughts ran through my head, who is going to feed him, what if he is hungry, what if he needs money, what if he needs a ride and so on and so on. I realize I've overcompensated raising my kids. I've done everything for them, in my mind I never wanted my kids to go through what I went through, so my thought is I will just do it for them. I know that wasn't right, and have made changes with my younger daughter. Whether Kayla is helping me unload the dishwasher, separate clothes for the laundry, swifer the floors, I make sure she helps. When she is a little older I will teach her how to cook, and be self sufficient.
There are times in life, we are thrown into a job with no training, or a situation we are not comfortable with, but we always manage. We are stronger then we give ourselves credit for. So in a month from now my son will be off to college ready to start this new phase in his life. I keep saying to myself he is 18.5 yrs old, he is going to be fine, he is a young man. I keep having a positive answer for every negative question that comes in my head.
When I see his excitement to experience life on his own, I get goosebumps, I remember when I left home at 17, it changed my life. I was always beyond my years, but the life lessons I learned along the way will stay with me forever.
BTW...After sitting down with the calendar, and my son's busy schedule, the party is on hold...
He is growing up, moving on with his life, his priorities are changing, and I sit back and wonder will he have time for me?
The answer is yes!
Thanks for reading a little piece of me....
Much Love,
Shelley
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